Stay on target MovieBob Reviews: ‘Shadow’MovieBob Reviews: ‘The Curse of La Llorona’ I’m gonna get incredibly real with you guys for a moment: I think about Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson more than anything else in this world. I think about him more than work, my family, or how underappreciated Iron Man 3 is. He’s better at what he does (punch things, deliver one-liners, drive tanks) than any actor of the last twenty years and he carries himself remarkably well offscreen. I could go on for ten thousand words about his affability in press junket interviews or the tugging I feel in my heart whenever he posts a video of him hanging out with fans on Instagram. I probably will someday.But that’s not why we’re here today. We’re here because recently a film called Rampage hit theaters and in this movie, Dwayne does something that might as well have been ripped out of my diary. He fights giant monsters with his bare hands and also a grenade launcher. It is extremely rad, just as rad as I’d always hoped it would be. Later this summer he’ll be appearing in the film Skyscraper and while I’d be just as excited if this were a film in which Dwayne Johnson fistfights a skyscraper I’m still very keen to watch him defend the titular skyscraper from a legion of bad dudes.It’s had me wondering as of late, though, what’s left for him to fight. He’s done it all, hasn’t he? He’s fought Brendan Fraser, the forces of COBRA (guys, please do yourself a favor and watch G.I Joe: Retaliation), an earthquake, and just about everything in between. You’d think after nearly two decades of fighting things onscreen ol’ Rocky’s well would be running dry, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be wrong, you faithless heathen. There are so many things left for the Rock to fight in movies. I know this because all I ever think about are things, I’d like to see the Rock fight in movies. Here are some of those things listed in ascending order from ‘I would very much like to watch The Rock fight this’ to ‘I will not allow my body to die until I have seen The Rock fight this.’A DRAGONSelf-explanatory. Perhaps the greatest mythical creature of all time and the ultimate physical challenge. Claws, fangs, impenetrable scale armor, fire breath. I don’t much care if it’s in a medieval setting or if some sort of time travel magic/biogenetic experimentation has brought Dwayne and the dragon together. I’m not picky. I just want to watch The Rock fight a dragon.A DECEPTICONA cinematic universe being announced these days generally means nothing as we all know that announcing something and actually making it are two very different things. Nonetheless, there were rumors at one point of Johnson’s G.I Joe squad being featured in a crossover flick with the Michael Bay Transformers movies and I haven’t been able to get the idea out of my head since. The mental image of The Rock in mid-air, arm pulled back in preparation to give Starscream a right hook across the jaw has warmed my soul in trying times. I highly doubt that team-up film ever happens, but this is exactly why horny Star Trek fans invented fan fiction.GHOSTSvia Seven Bucks Digital StudioYou can’t punch a ghost! They aren’t corporeal! How do you fight something at which you can’t throw hands? Just about every challenge Dwayne has faced has been one that can be dealt with via traditional fisticuffs. Ghosts would be such a great curveball for him. I want to see him forced to innovate, improvise, and try something new. Nothing would get him into that headspace like ghouls, spectres, and poltergeists.IMPORTANT: Do not tweet me names of books or movies in which ghosts are corporeal because I don’t care and they aren’t canon. You can’t punch ghosts. Everyone knows this.TWO DRAGONSSee above but two at the same time.THE CORRUPT AMERICAN LEGAL SYSTEMA secret I don’t think many people know is that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is actually a pretty good actor. Truth be told, I don’t see him not gunning for an Oscar someday. It’s gonna happen, and when it does happen, I hope the role is one in which he plays a hard-drinking lawyer with a spotty past. He’s inspired to get himself together when he’s presented with the opportunity to represent a young man who’s been in and out of juvenile detention centers all his life. He’s being tried for his latest crime – armed robbery – as an adult but this time he didn’t do it. The judge, the prosecution, the jury, they all just want to toss this kid back in the slammer and be done with it. Dwayne has to take on a system built to benefit the prison industrial complex to save this kid’s life because if he doesn’t, he’ll not only be failing Jett (the kid’s name is Jett) but an entire generation of young men caught in a rigged game. Also, he gets into at least one but no more than two bar fights in the movie.STALLONE AND/OR SCHWARZENEGGERThere comes a time in the career of a pro wrestler when it’s time to, as they say, “do the job.” A top dog that has been at the head of the promotion for years finds a young lion clawing at their heels and vying for their top spot. In that moment, the two unstoppable forces clash and, inevitably, the top dog falls, conceding their spot to the new guy. Hulk Hogan did it for Rock. Rock went on to do it for John Cena. Cena will inevitably do it for Roman Reigns. The story goes on.Dwayne Johnson is the definitive action star of a generation and there are few performers I’d like to see him onscreen with more than the two biggest action stars of the last generation, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don’t think there’s a camera in existence capable of containing all six of their biceps in one frame but perhaps one day it will be invented (full disclosure, I do not fully understand how cameras work). When it does, this movie must happen. And when that movie happens, they must fight. And when they fight, Stallone and/or Arnold must do the job. The torch must be passed. The story must go on.TRUE LOVEHow on earth has Dwayne Johnson, the smoothest, most charismatic man on the planet, not starred in a romantic comedy yet? Imagine him in Will Smith’s role in Hitch, as a cocky player who suddenly finds himself outmatched by the man or woman he never thought would walk into his life? Or as a personal trainer who has a hilarious benchpress accident and finds himself falling for his physical therapist, who’s annoyed by his jock demeanor? I want to watch him fight the greatest fight of all: the fight that takes place in your heart when you realize you have to be better because you love somebody and they deserve the best you that you can give them. We need a Rock rom-com. We have always needed a Rock rom-com.HIMSELFHere’s the reality: every single fight I fantasize about features Rock coming out on top. He always does. It’s his whole thing. But it makes it challenging to find compelling matchups for him. The game is not so much finding something that can beat Dwayne Johnson in a fight but something that will take him longer to fight or require innovation in order to defeat. There’s really only one thing you can put Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson up against that he might not be able to beat in a fight: himself. Not in a thematic sense. Literally, a second Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson created to fight the first Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Two identical giant tattooed men swinging fists, shooting guns, and perhaps driving military vehicles into one another. Let me be clear: we absolutely have the technology required to make this happen. I have seen both The Social Network and The Parent Trap, and both of those movies came out one hundred years ago so I’m pretty sure the technology hasn’t gone away. They just used it on The Deuce to create a second James Franco as though we aren’t already plenty repulsed by the first one. Think about it. It’s the unstoppable force meeting, uh, a second unstoppable force. I’m pretty sure that’s how explosions happen. This is not a pipe dream. This is not fantasy. This is the inevitable apex of the career of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and if I have to write it myself, tricked you, I very clearly already have. Call me, Dwayne. Just call me. 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